Some of you may know me, some of you don't. I certainly understand that my reputation preceeds me. But this message isn't addressed to those who buy into petty rumors and games. I'm a good person, and I've always been there for the community when I was down there. Now it is time for me to ask for a little help.
I moved up to Idaho in 2003 to get my education, and to start a non-profit foundation (http://www.wolveswolveswolves.org" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;) to pursue my passion of championing the cause of wolves. Going to college in Idaho was supposed to give me two educations - my BS, DVM, then Ph.D.; along with an on-the-ground education into the goings-on in the area and insight into how the minds of people who hated wolves so much worked.
Please note that I gave up a successful career as a programmer to do this. Initially my idea was to save up the money myself. I was, after all, a semi-independent programmer billing out at $125/hour and making pretty damn good headway in stock investments and an options scheme taught to me by Craig. But September 11th, 2001 kind of changed that. And I recently discovered, thanks to Joe Stack formerly of this plane of existence, that I could never have succeeded in my effort to work as a true independent consultant because of the tax laws Joe Stack cited in his manifesto. Nevertheless I tried. And I failed to secure contracts. So much for my goal of saving $2 million to buy a ranch - though I did manage to save $40k in 2000 - you remember, when most of you lost a good chunk of your retirement to the dot-com bust...though I had to spend that 40k to survive a year off of work.
Undaunted, I found a different way of achieving my goal, that of going to school to get an education and starting my non-profit foundation to raise the funds to buy a ranch and create a research facility. Two months after setting that goal, in October 2002, I reinjured my back and became disabled. I was put on CA state disability, and decided to take advantage of my situation to get my education while I was healing. Money ran out, I stumbled, but six months later, I was in Idaho. And three months after moving there, I had found a perfect house to rent, in the country. But just one year later, after three semesters of straight As at the University of Idaho, a set of chance circumstances would occur which would destroy my future. I didn't know the house had lead paint. I put out the kitchen fire, but not before getting burns on my head and arms and inhaling a lot of smoke, smoke which I later found out contained significant amounts of lead. The lead, in vaprous form, entered my blood stream and shot straight to my brain, damaging connections to memories, and parts of the brain where memories are formed, where my photographic memory resided, and even places that regulated emotion.
Because of that day in 2004, I found out, long before most people realized, just how troubled our health care system is. I wasn't given blood tests. My doctors didn't put two and two together to figure out I had lead poisoning. I wasn't sent to a neurologist. I wasn't given chelation therapy, though that wouldn't have helped with the dose and method to which I was exposed. And combined with the fact that my insurance didn't cover physical therapy, which I had previously paid out of pocket with the $2,000/month I got from CA Disability, and the fact that I didn't understand that it took several YEARS to get on disability, my health deteriorated significantly since that time.
Two days ago I got notice that my second attempt to get on disability will be taken to the federal civil level. In that time I have had to become my own attorney, and have discovered just how corrupt small towns, Idaho, and Washington really are. The good news out of this is that I have found something I'm very good at - writing legal arguments, though I'm not good enough at the other aspects to actually practice law. The greatest accomplishment I have made so far is writing two amicus briefs, one for the latest wolf delisting case currently being decided by US District Court in Missoula, and the recent Proposition 8 case in California. But I have so far been unsuccessful with my disability cases. I did pester the Department of Social and Health Services here in Washington enough that they are finally going to give my case a fair review. But while that will ensure I keep the measly $339/month I currently live on, it won't resolve the other issues surrounding my being a stubborn old idealist living in a small town with VERY different ideas about how the world should be (Bush is still a hero around here) and with very different ideas on how to formulate an opinion (I believe in the old fashioned way of researching, weighing, and formulating; whereas most other people around here prefer to get their opinions from some pundit.) But I don't believe that being different is cause for how I have been treated up here. Nor do I believe that misunderstanding of my situation is cause for denial of medical care, as has happened to me.
On this coming Tuesday, I board a flight from Pullman, WA, to Seattle. I will be one miserable SOB on that flight, because the day before, I will have drunk a gallon of "Trylite." At about 4:30, to cameras will wind their way through my digestive system, my GI doc in command of the flexible camera and monitoring the screen to try to figure out what I already know the answer to - that the stress I am under is so intense, and that I have no way to vent it other than to absorb it and cause auto-immune responses, such as swelling the tissues in my lower back region, including my discs, the joints in my spine and pelvis, my liver, and my colon.
I guess you get the idea. I have no mental health care available to me here. I cannot get justice because I don't play the small town games these people live by. I cannot get health care because I'm such a demanding patient that I want good medical care and don't care if doctors want to play the same political bullshit games that everyone else around here plays because they are so afraid of upsetting the status-quo. And unfortunately, I was raised by a psychopath, who though he is finally dead (hey, don't you dare expect me to mourn him, he admitted to me that he molested my sister from the age of 3), I cannot turn to that family because they're all nuts themselves.
And so, I'm turning to the only family I knew - the autocrossing community. But I'm not asking for handouts. There are a number of options, and I'm pursuing as many of them on my own as I can.
What I need, more than anything in the world, is to get the hell out of this backwater county in rural eastern Washington state. At all costs. I do have another disability application being processed, and they finally do have all of my medical evidence, but given that my diagnosis doesn't match what Social Security has because they rely on a diagnosis path that was obsoleted in 1994 with the publication of the DSM IV, I don't have much hope of succeeding, and thus must rely on my attorney to fight for me in federal court, a matter which will take about 18 more months. I can't continue to live where I can't get medical care. And I can't continue to live in fear of my safety and freedom.
As I said, there are several options available to me. Right now, I'm fighting to get my father's cabin on Big Bear. My father was influenced, unduly, by his siblings to hand over the cabin via a trust to his paranoid sister. While I have all the grounds necessary to vacate the trust, doing so will not solve anything because my oldest brother is an idiot who thinks my father wasn't all that bad (probably because he molested my sister too, a fact which means he better damn well stay in England now that I'm aware of it). So I'm trying to negotiate with my aunt through her attorney. But I myself need an attorney.
Thus, the first way I can get help from the community is if anyone knows a probate attorney who can help me out. I'm writing and filing everything myself, but I need someone who is more diplomatic than I am to negotiate, and otherwise someone familiar with probate law and procedure so that in case my aunt decides to be the stubborn bitch she is, I can take the cabin from here and try to bully my older brother into letting me live in the cabin.
Why a cabin in Big Bear?
First, its back down there. I still have a few friends (hush you) and do get along with my step mother and youngest brother quite well, and I miss them. Second, I'll be a mere 15 minutes from Wolf Mountain Sanctuary in Lucerne Valley, where I can work for Tonya again to help her with her mission, a situation wherein I would receive the benefit of the therapy I get out of helping others, something I can't do much of up here. I'll also be in a familiar place. I can retrieve more of my lost memories, but I'll also have a measure of comfort that will temper my anxiety disorder. While I'm not sure if my back can handle autocrossing (I certainly can't do it for at least 3 more months for my arms to heal from carpel and ulnar release surgeries), I can at least be involved once again in helping setup and run events. I truly miss the autocrossing community. I know that Craig is gone and I'll never have back the man who took the place of the pathetic excuse for a father I had, but I think I learned enough from Craig to fill some of the roles he had. And those who were around back then can attest to my course designs - hopefully I can still layout a damn fun autocross course, even if I can't shag cones myself anymore.
But most important of all is that I'll be in a place that's comfortable for me to live - as I can't do big cities anymore, but I'll still be close to decent medical care. I need physical therapy every day. And I need a GI doc who isn't a 1 hour flight or 5 hour drive away from me. And I need something I can do to keep my mind off my misery. Obviously by the length of this post you can see I don't have much to do. I'm an altruist, and without something positive to do for others, I'm a mess.
I don't know what else anyone can do to help. Mostly, I just need help helping myself. If Craig were around, he'd certainly drive his truck, my old beater Chevy 1 ton 454, up here with the famous trailer and help me get myself, the Tiger, and enough of my things down there - though I'd have to have a place to go first. He'd probably buy the Tiger back from me so I could have money to move - I certainly don't need help getting a place, I'm on HUD and can, for example, rent a place in San Bernandino County for $900/month. And I have a care giver, so I don't need much help packing or unpacking. But I do need help finding a place I can tolerate living at (think rural) and somehow help making sure its suitable which likely means me travelling down there.
I'm not going to offer the Tiger for sale. It's the only tangible aspect of Craig in my life, and he was such a profoundly positive influence on me that I don't think I could bear part with it. I still have to do some body and interior work on it to restore it, but I did finally replace the suspension (ever try driving a 2250lb car with a 500lb engine on no springs or shocks? It's nothing like the Fiat, let me tell you that!)
Of course, I do still have my Fiat autocrosser, though its not exactly ready to race. Three days after suffering brain damage, I made my first big mistake. I closed off the PCV system and replaced it with a breather oil cap. Anyone familiar with Fiat/Ferrari engines knows that the camshaft housing is pressure-isolated from the crankcase and should be twitching just imaging me driving down the highway with the engine configured that way, and already knows what happened to the oil and knows that I didn't have time to look at the gauge when the idiot light turned on and the valves fried. But, I have a spare crank, bearings aren't expensive, and it shouldn't take too much money to restore the balance work I did. It needs at least one replacement Tokico adjustable shock, but everything else is okay. Even the tires are still viable, as I've stored them in black plastic with a chunk of charcoal to eliminate ozone. But I realize that running 74 X1/9 bodies is ideal. So I'm willing to give up the suspension, race motor and bigger injectors, 6 wheels and four relatively new Hoosier Autocrossers ca. 2002 in order to get some help getting down there.
What kind of help? I don't know. Do you live rural and want to put together a fast-ass, fun-as-hell, inexpensive to run autocrosser? I'll even tear apart my camper (which I got for $250 and lived in for the summer I was homeless after the fire - yeah, the bitch landlord evicted me as thanks for saving her house, unfortunately she's neither in jail nor successfully sued) to use as a trailer to haul to events, and since I have a 3/4 ton 4WD suburban (which I bought for $2500, exactly $250 more than I got for my 86 which was totalled in 2007) I can tow it to events, even if I can't run. Or maybe you think the car or the suspension and engine are worth something and can pay me the cash so I can fly down there, find a place, then move.
Or maybe you know of a place out in the country, perhaps in the mountains above San Dimas (I once looked at a cabin up San Gabriel Canyon, but it didn't have an indoor toilet...not quite what I'm looking for) or somewhere. Hell, right now, I'd be happy parking my camper at my old place in San Diego, the 85 acres surrounded by park - oh yeah, the house I lived in burned in the Cedar fire in 2004, at nearly the same time my own house in Idaho was on fire...poetic in a way I guess.
These are just what comes to my damaged mind. Maybe you know something. Certainly you have questions. Feel free to ask away, but I'll state my limitations to avoid those questions relating to what is suitable for me for housing. For starters, I have severe anxiety disorder (it's what comes from fighting a house fire yourself in a place where the fire department is 25 minutes away) so I have to live in a more rural setting. The more rural, the better. Because I'm a stubborn bastard who also suffered brain damage, I really need a place of my own. As I said, I'm on HUD, and in San Berdoo county, I can rent a place for up to $900/month. Oh yeah, and it HAS to be a house. It would be great to be near someone handy with vehicles as I can't fix my vehicles myself. My 1991 Eagle Talon (which I bought just before the fire for $1000 because some idiot mechanic up here put the clutch plate in backwards) needs the head replaced because some brain damaged idiot, in replacing the engine that had blown valves because some Japanese asshole decided balance shafts were a good invention, forgot to torque the timing belt tensioner pulley and I blew the motor right after I got back from the test drive (yes, I'm that brain damaged idiot.) I also have to rebuild one or both of my 6.2l diesel motors so my suburban will continue to run, as I had to swap in the motor from my 86 that I put 100,000 miles on after the motor from the 91 blew a head gasket. The Tiger needs body work, which I'll wait till I get my disability before I start that work so I can be sure its done right - the Tiger turned out to be a bondo-queen unfortunately. I'll probably keep driving the 1980 Dodge Colt two stick I got for nothing thanks to a former caregiver, but it needs a waterpump. Who knows, maybe I can do these things myself with the help of my care giver (who will move with me btw), but it would be nice to have a shop/garage (especially one with a door that isn't chipboard on two-by-fours that I have to remove to "open" the garange) to work on them in.
What else do I have to offer? Well, I'm a whiz at writing legal briefs. I know how to fix anything even though I may not be able to physically do it myself - and when I say anything, I really mean it: household including plumbing, electrical, remodeling, roofing, etc.; vehicles; computers (just don't ask me how to use Vista because my response will be to give you an install disc for Linux); etc. I've had to sell most everything I own, but still have a few items I would be more than willing to part with to help fund a move. I would even sacrifice the Eagle Talon as after all, I can always put the nitrous setup on the Fiat and have fun with it until I explode the motor (who wants to hill climb? And does anyone know if I can run NOS at Lone Pine?) If you haven't guessed from this post so far, I'm quite resourceful. Come one, I haven't worked a day since February 1st, 2002; yet I have two running vehicles, two other vehicles, a camper, a dump trailer (too small for anything else sadly), one hell of a good entertainment system (I collect laserdisc movies btw, have about 500 for which I paid about $200), have a damn fine computer system including a $1000 copier/scanner/printer which I paid $5 for, a $3500 scanner I paid $12.50 for, and a $3000 computer I paid $1000 for.) Sadly, I finished college before I got on disability so I don't have the financial aid to draw from anymore. And sadly I got a really bad case of carpel tunnel which I just had surgery for so I can't make costumes or fix up cars and sell them anymore (which I can only do now when I find a free one, as I did before surgery - a 1986 Subaru I got for free, put $5 into, and sold for $600!) I also can't make costumes anymore ($1000-2000 animal mascot costumes such as this http://rexwolf.furtopia.org/fursuitpics/RacerFox008.jpg" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;) though I hope to get back into it as soon as I recover from surgery and get done with these stupid legal cases.)
There is something else I can offer for those who like wolves: http://www.wolveswolveswolves.org/fundraisergallery/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; I can print them up on my dye sub printer which I paid a mere $100 for and mount them, frame them, and mail them to anyone interested (I'd have to get paid in advance so I could afford the frame and to buy a pack of paper which costs $1/sheet).
About the only other thing I can offer is my skill and equipment as a photographer, including studio equipment now (four lights, and strobe slave, all of which cost me a whopping $30) for those interested in having their cars photographed professionally. Perhaps I could even create calendars for your club?
Perhaps an ideal situation might be if someone has or knows of a rental house that's suitable to my needs that needs some work done on it. Maybe someone bought a foreclosure house in Victorville or Big Bear or somewhere nice and rural but it needs a lot of help. That has been how I've gotten to rent houses instead of apartments for the past few years up here.
That's about all I can think of for now. I know its a long read, but the situation merits it. As I said, I'm not asking for handouts, just a little collaboration.
Wanting to Come Home
Moderator: Mike Simanyi
