The Stimulus Package Explained and How 2 Make It Work

[Mako Koiwai]

Stimulus Payment Information

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic
Stimulus Payment.

This is a very exciting new program that I will explain
using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to
taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers, especially entrepreneurs like George Schilling the Plummer.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A.. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S.
economy by spending* *your* *stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money
will go to China (plus Jeff Shyu)

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico,
Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can
keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a
baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or
tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

[Steve Ekstrand]

Almost 100% of all midget porn is still produced in the SFV. We've lost market share in other forms of porn, but the midgets are still going strong in Canoga Park.

[Michael Palero]

but the midgets are still going strong in Canoga Park.

Go Jeff Wong Go!

[Larry Andrews]

The US is a powerful exporter of college degrees.

Seems that state universities are preferentially admitting foreign students because they have to pay full pop - no 'discount' that an American or even a California resident would enjoy. Of course, state University funding is based on headcount so these institutions are getting paid both directions...at the expense of the people the institutions are tasked with serving.

Also seems that it's effectively impossible to attract Americans to value-added professions such as Engineering since it's clear the real money is made in redistribution of wealth to ineffective management.

[Earl Merz]

Also seems that it's effectively impossible to attract Americans to value-added professions such as Engineering since it's clear the real money is made in redistribution of wealth to ineffective management.

I'd love to be an engineer. At work the engineers get all the fun. No speedlimits, full use of the road course and dynamics area, and they get to use the tire shaver, alignment rack, and scales.

[Mako Koiwai]

I know a number of motion picture camera people that use to be engineers ... they couldn't stand being in a little office dealing with the same stuff over and over again. I do know ONE camera assistant, that dropped out to attend engineering school ... while in his 30's. I think engineers are cool.

[Chuck Fowler]

Almost 100% of all midget porn is still produced in the SFV. We've lost market share in other forms of porn, but the midgets are still going strong in Canoga Park.

only until they figure out how those lift things on the buses work...

[John Fendel]

Chicago Style Stimulus!

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."


The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that is how the new stimulus plan will work.

[Steve Ekstrand]

The contractor from Chicago blows the grand on prostitutes.
The gov't official gets fired when his gov't issued laptop crashes do to a full harddrive caused by an overwhelming quantity of midget porn.

[George Schilling]

The contractor from Chicago blows the grand on prostitutes.
The gov't official gets fired when his gov't issued laptop crashes do to a full harddrive caused by an overwhelming quantity of midget porn.

Come on Steve cut the crap. We're talking about a very real and plausible situation here that is very close to reality and then you have to throw in an implausible scenario in that last sentence making a mockery of the point being made. I mean get real dude.........when was the last time you heard of a gov't official being fired?

[Steve Ekstrand]

True dat!

[Rick Brown]

The contractor from Chicago blows the grand on prostitutes.
The gov't official gets fired when his gov't issued laptop crashes do to a full harddrive caused by an overwhelming quantity of midget porn.

Come on Steve cut the crap. We're talking about a very real and plausible situation here that is very close to reality and then you have to throw in an implausible scenario in that last sentence making a mockery of the point being made. I mean get real dude.........when was the last time you heard of a gov't official being fired?

Really. He'd more likely put in for a computer upgrade and the gov't would buy him a new $395 Dell for $1900.