Son of "Don't Drift this Thread"'s long lost cousin...

[Christine Grice]

"Hey Guys, Watch This" aka "Hold my beer..."

http://jalopnik.com/5292864/hey-guys-wa ... ompetition" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Will Kalman]

[Mike Simanyi]

http://www.recipesource.com/main-dishes ... c0012.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Jeff Shyu]

this site is awesome : http://www.dontevenreply.com/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Escalade Bodyguard
Posted at: 2009-06-24 08:14:22
Original ad:
2007 Cadillac Escalade for sale - 38,000 miles. Great condition! Asking $40,000. E-mail if interested.
From Mike Partlow to **************@*********.org

Hey,

I have a proposition for you. I will give you $50 if you let me borrow your Escalade for tomorrow night. I have been trying to get a date with this girl, but the only way I was able to get her to go on a date with me was by telling her that I am a very rich and powerful drug dealer. The problem is, I am not a drug dealer, and I actually drive a 91 Honda Accord. She will know I am lying if I pick her up in that. The only chance I have of getting with this chick is if I roll up in your ballin Escalade. If you let me borrow it, on top of giving you $50, I will put a few gallons of gas in it. I promise we will not have sex on your seats.

Please help me out!

Mike

From James ******* to Me

Absolutely not. The car is not for rent!

From Mike Partlow to James ********

James,

I am willing to pay you up to $60 to borrow your Escalade. If you are worried about me messing it up, you can ride with me. In fact, you can drive it. I'll tell her you are my bodyguard. That would actually work out better, I think. Do you look like a bodyguard? You'd have to wear a suit, and possibly one of those earpieces with the coiled cord running down your neck. You should occasionally touch the earpiece to your ear, like you are listening to some badass security chatter. You shouldn't talk have to talk much, just drive and look badass.

Please reconsider my offer.

Mike

From James ******** to Me

No. That is stupid. Maybe you should try asking out a woman that isn't a materialistic gold digger.

From Mike Partlow to James *********

Golddigger or not, this girl's rack is phenominal. Tell you what, if you consider my offer and I end up getting laid, I will try to snap a picture of her tits with my cellphone and send it to you. Trust me, they are great.

Mike

From James ******** to Me

Shut up. You aren't borrowing my car.

From Mike Partlow to James *********

Well James, you are being a cockblocker. I hope next time you are trying to get your D wet, you get the sh#$ cockblocked out of you.

[Kurt Rahn]

http://www.recipesource.com/main-dishes ... c0012.html

Ewwwwwwwwwww.

[KJ Christopher]

http://www.recipesource.com/main-dishes ... c0012.html

Ewwwwwwwwwww.

I like spam!

[Sebastian Rios]

this site is awesome : http://www.dontevenreply.com/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Great find!

[Rick Brown]

[Mike Shin]

oh man my face hurts from laughing so much

[Kurt Rahn]

You're doing it wrong...again.

http://tinyurl.com/nlvkh6

[Lily Liu]

I wonder what Mike Simanyi or all safety stewards would say to me if I propped my car up as in picture # 21.

I mean, the strategic placement of the 2x4s and the cinder block behind the tire would provide proper support, comparable to heavy duty jackstands, right?

[Rick Brown]

TOOLS EXPLAINED BY A DO-IT-YOURSELFER:

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings objects across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Bob Beamesderfer]

PROPANE TORCH: While useless at making the collar on a fan blade expand enough to get past the rusted portion of the shaft, it's great for lighting the barbecue.

[Larry Andrews]

Had a skilsaw jump out of the cut backwards the other day when the wood suddently relaxed and pinched the blade. Didn't know that a 14lb hunk of magnesium could be such an effective laxative.

[Jeff Shyu]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've

been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the
living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith .

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to
be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said .

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith .

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith , her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could
hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my
shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,
I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up
my
tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

[Mike Simanyi]

Ummm... yeah.

http://dilbert.com/blog/entry/your_next_boss/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Curt Luther]

It's two days early but it's this thread's one year birthday. What's a birthday without:

[Steve Ekstrand]

Ash has NOS!

[Curt Luther]

Ash has NOS!

Not exactly...

[Christine Grice]

http://www.cracked.com/funny-1027-nascar-safety/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Curt Luther]

Have you ever had someone touch you and you got "the heebie jeebies"? Well, I just had someone call me "C-Dawg" and I got the same feeling...

[Bob Beamesderfer]

Have you ever had someone touch you and you got "the heebie jeebies"? Well, I just had someone call me "C-Dawg" and I got the same feeling...

Was it Paula Abdul? :barf:

[Christine Grice]

http://jalopnik.com/5330564/worlds-fast ... e-car-wash" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Kristoffer Gjevre]

http://jalopnik.com/5330564/worlds-fast ... e-car-wash

Did you see the "boeing vs 2 CV" in the comment section?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuRVUmyqnjU" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

And what about the "Boeing vs Truck" (jump to 0:40)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TF0ynMWhlkw" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

And holly cow, check this out: "Ultimate Crosswind Landing Hong Kong Kai Tak Airport 1998 Japan Airlines Boeing 747" (jump to 1:00)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtnL4KYVtDE" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Bob Beamesderfer]

Do not tailgate large jetliners.