Something to Brighten Your Day

[George Schilling]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[Max Hayter]

Father Christmas goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor, Doctor... I think I have a mince pie stuck up my bottom".

Doctor says "Well Father Christmas, I better take a look. Drop your pants and bend over"

Father Christmas does so and the doctor examines his bottom and says,

"Yes Father Christmas, you do indeed have a mince pie stuck up your bottom, but don't worry, I have some cream for that".

[Rick Brown]

Father Christmas goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor, Doctor... I think I have a mince pie stuck up my bottom".

Doctor says "Well Father Christmas, I better take a look. Drop your pants and bend over"

Father Christmas does so and the doctor examines his bottom and says,

"Yes Father Christmas, you do indeed have a mince pie stuck up your bottom, but don't worry, I have some cream for that".

Is this an example of Brit sense of humor?

[Max Hayter]

Is this an example of Brit sense of humor?

Well, if you mean that you must have some sense of culture to get it, then yes!

[Max Hayter]

Beyonce finds out that she is Roy Castle's love child. When asked by the press on how she feels about the news, she replies, "Well, obviously I'm honored, but I will not be taking his last name".

[Will Kalman]

A man has to give a sperm sample to his doctor. A couple days later he comes back in the office with an empty container and the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, you see I went home and got started but I had trouble with my right hand so I switched to my left but that didn't work so I tried both hands to no avail. Next, I asked my wife to help and she tried the left, the right, and both hands as well with no luck. I had no option but to go to her sister for help and she couldn't do it either. Finally, embarrasing as it might be, I had to ask my brother for help and try as he might, he couldn't get it done for me either.

So, doctor, how *do* you get the lid open on this container?"

[Curt Luther]

Fourm rules prohibit me from posting anything of entertainment here...

[Kurt Rahn]

Is this an example of Brit sense of humor?

Well, if you mean that you must have some sense of culture to get it, then yes!

If by culture you mean mince-pie-up-the-bottom jokes, then ewwwwwwwww.

[Max Hayter]

If by culture you mean mince-pie-up-the-bottom jokes, then ewwwwwwwww.

My point being that, to understand the joke, you must understand the traditions of Christmas. I suspect that, in America, Santa arrives in a Chevy and the kids leave a hot dog for him!

:king:

[Max Hayter]

Fourm rules prohibit me from posting anything of entertainment here...

PM me the noods.

[KJ Christopher]

Bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear turns the rabbit and asks, "do you have any problem with the poop sticking to your fir?"

The rabbit responds, "why no, I do not."

So the bear picks him up and wipes his ass.

[Kevin Price]

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender brings his drink, and notices that the pirate has a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. The bartender doesn't want to intrude, but finally says "I can't help noticing that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants. " The pirate says, "Arrgh, I know, she drives me nuts."

[Sebastian Rios]

If by culture you mean mince-pie-up-the-bottom jokes, then ewwwwwwwww.

My point being that, to understand the joke, you must understand the traditions of Christmas. I suspect that, in America, Santa arrives in a Chevy and the kids leave a hot dog for him!

:king:

That's right, one of the hotdogs goes to Santa the others go in the traditional Kraft Macaroni and Cheese dinner.
After the feast has been consumed, the man of the house loads the dishwasher by getting his wife drunk.

[Kurt Rahn]

This one's for Gio...

One day mouse and his friend hyena are walking through across the savannah. All of a sudden, mouse falls into a deep hole hidden by some tall grass. Hyena sees his friend disappear down the hole and calls down to him, "Are you alright?"

Mouse calls back, "I'm fine but get me outta here; I'm claustrophobic!" Hyena racks his brain for a few minutes, then tells mouse he has an idea. A few minutes later, he reappears with cheetah, driving a BMW. Hyena ties a rope to the back bumber of the BMW, tosses it down and tells mouse to hang on while cheetah pullls him out. Cheetah tries over and over, but just can't get the traction needed to pull mouse out.

Cheetah gives up and hyena starts thinking again. Just then, he sees elephant slowly walking by. He calls to elephant, "my friend has fallen into this hole; can you help get him out? Elephant comes over and after a minute, tells hyena and mouse he has an idea. Elephant straddles the hole and slowly extends his manhood down into the hole. Mouose grabs it and climbs out. Everyone rejoices.

Moral of the story: If you have a big d**k, you don't need a BMW.

[Curt Luther]

OK, since I can't post it here:

WARNING. THERE ARE VERY BAD WORDS THAT COULD CAUSE PEOPLE TO SELF DESTRUCT IF YOU READ THEM BY CLICKING THIS LINK.

http://roadraceautox.com/showpost.php?p ... stcount=58" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Tom Berry]

Man walks into a bar and orders 5 martinis. Bartender sets them up and the man drinks them down. Bartender asks, " Whats the occasion ".
Man says that he is celebrating his first bl** job. Bartender says " Thats great, lemme buy you another martini" Man says " No thanks, if the first 5 didnt get rid of the taste... another one isnt going to do it".

[Greg Peng]

Beyonce finds out that she is Roy Castle's love child. When asked by the press on how she feels about the news, she replies, "Well, obviously I'm honored, but I will not be taking his last name".

I DON'T GET IT!

[Max Hayter]

I DON'T GET IT!

[Greg Peng]

Is that how you English pronounce her name? :unimpressed:

[Max Hayter]

Is that how you English pronounce her name? :unimpressed:

Well, you have to say it quickly. Best joke evAr :gpower:

[Tom Berry]

Hey Greg, He told that joke to about 10 of us at nationals last year.. and none of us got it either.

[Theo O.]

Man walks into a bar and orders 5 martinis. Bartender sets them up and the man drinks them down. Bartender asks, " Whats the occasion ".
Man says that he is celebrating his first bl** job. Bartender says " Thats great, lemme buy you another martini" Man says " No thanks, if the first 5 didnt get rid of the taste... another one isnt going to do it".

Git her done! That's funny right there

Tom, you come across like a proper english gentleman and you just posted the funniest joke on this thread

[Rick Brown]

Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."

Nice that most of the people on here actually use proper grammar and punctuation. And we have Beamesderfer to correct us when we go wrong.

[Theo O.]

Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."

Nice that most of the people on here actually use proper grammar and punctuation. And we have Beamesderfer to correct us when we go wrong.

Did your uncle eventually get off the horse

[Steve Ekstrand]

And here I thought he was concerned with adequate funding and corporate financial structure. Your initial public offering fails and you'll do a lot to survive.....