'tis the season to be jolly, post your holiday humor

[Craig Naylor]

From: Santa Claus
To: The Southern States

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves local 209. I now serve only certain areas of the United States, north of the Mason-Dixon line. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so for those areas I am still able to serve, please keep that in mind.

However, for those states south of the Mason-Dixon line, I am certain that your areas will be in good hands with your local replacement (who happens to be my third cousin) - Bubba Claus.His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however there are a few differences between us:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack in the back of his sleigh, and a bumper sticker that reads " These toys are insured by Smith and Wesson".

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. AND Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe, he does dip a little snuff though. So please have an empty can handy for him.

3. Bubba Claus sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer to show him around, and now Blitzen's head overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen." when Bubba arrives. Instead, listen for "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!". And you also might hear Bubba's elves respond "I hear dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!!" The last I heard, he had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters, and the other is of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics, such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be seen in the negotiated area. Instead, you will see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas", and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" (featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other).

8. And, finally, Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I would make sure that you and your entire family turns the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Won't be long until Christmas, so get ready!!

Sincerely Yours
Santa Claus
(Member, North American Fairies and Elves, Local 209)

[Robert Puertas]

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